Friday, April 23, 2004

And NOW..c/o Mr. Adam Harvey and myself, retellings of Famous Biblical Stories. Sure to amuse and offend.

The Flood
Act I, Scene I

(Noah is in a boat, fishing. God appears and they start talking.)

Noah: Hey Yahweh, howya been?

God: Eh, grouchy. Goddamn people.

Noah: What are we doing this time?

God: The usual... fornicating, worshipping false idols, inventing British cuisine.

Noah: What is wrong with fornicating?

God: Well, I can't do it since I am wholly actualized and complete. So if I can't do it, I sure as hell don't want you doing it.

Noah: Aw c'mon, have some perspective.

God: (thinking) ...Nah, fuck it. (floods earth)

The end
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Exodus
Act II, Scene I

(The Chosen People have just arrived in a new town.)

People: Hey, this little 'burb is pretty cool. They got the wine, the women and their god isn't nearly as high & mighty as ours. Rockin'!

God: -AHEM- Mind telling me *what* you are doing?

People: Um...well...

God: Did I *not* just save you from slavery?

People: Well..yea...

God: Did I *not* help you defeat all your enemies?

People: Um..yes, yes you did

God: Then do-you-mind telling me what the fuck you're doing in front of that statue? And, hey, are you not wearing pants right now? I mean, Jesus Christ, what does a God have to do for you people?

People: Are you going to smite us?

God: No, but I wouldn't go fighting any wars for awhile, if I were you. Just trust me on this.
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Exodus
Act II, Scene II

(The Israelites have gone vacationing to Sinai. Of the opinion that the burning bush isn't much more than a tourist trap, they let Moses climb the mountain alone.)

Moses: (out of breath) Damn, that was one high mountain. Lets take a look at this burning bush thingy. (walks toward flaming nettle patch)

Burning Bush: MOSES! STOP, I am your GOD. Remove your sandals and humble thyself in my presence.

Moses: Pff. You're just some weird talking on-fire bush. If you are God, what is your name smartypants?

Burning Bush: I AM THAT AM.

Moses: That is the worst grammar I have ever heard.

Burning Bush: Shut the fuck up, bitch. (a duct tape wrapped broken axe handle appears and menaces Moses) Now for your insolence You've gotta carve my rules into these stone tablets. With your fingernails.

Moses: Sonofabitch.

Burning Bush: Yes. now get to work you dumb *insert Jewish slur*.
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The Story of Sodom and Gomorrah
Act I, Scene II

(God and Abraham are on a mountain somewhere)

Abraham: So, you're going to just bash those cities, aren't you?

God: Yup. They is all fucked up.

Abraham: Shit, my nephew lives there and, I swear to you, if he croaks, I'll never hear the freggin end of it. "Why didn't you warn Lot? What did Lot ever do to you to be treated that way?" Bitch bitch, whine whine. How about this, send a couple peeps down and maybe it's not as bad as you think.

God: Okay. But, you know, if I spare them, it's just going to be somewhere else and, shit, your family can't keep their dicks in their pants long enough to change clothes, you're all over the medamn place. I can't throw fire without hitting one of you.

Act I, Scene III
Angels are heading into town.

Angel 1: Woah, watch where you step. You could get an STD just from the freggin dirt here!

Angel 2: Hey, is that Abraham's nephew over there?

Lot: Hey HEY, you're ANGELS, aren't YOU?!

Angel 1: Please, sir, keep your voice down, we're "undercover"

Lot: OHHHH, I GET IT! SECRET AGENT STUFF, I GET IT. soo...angels, huh?

Angel 2: Yea, yea. Now shut up.

Lot: Hey, you want to stay at my place?

Angel 1 (whispered to Angel 2): Have you *seen* his place? I've seen cleaner public restrooms.

Angel 1(to Lot): I believe we'd rather sleep outside.

Lot: Oh, shit no, come on in, come on in!

The Angel begrudgingly join him and sit down to dinner.
(knock knock)

Townspeople: Hey, we heard you got some new luscious pieces of ass in there! Bring 'em out, we're hosting quarter Pony rides and we need some ponies!

Lot: Hey, tell you what. Instead of the new guys, I've got a couple virgin daughters inside....

Daughters: DAD, YOU FUCKING SONOFABITCH!

Townspeople: No, you idiot. We're *gay*, as in H-O-M-O. I bet you're one of those types who think all a Lesbian wants is a good man, aren't you? We are GAY, we want the G-U-Y-S..

Angel 2: Well, seeing as how I'd rather not be someone's ass puppet, I think it's time to book out of here. Lot, you coming?

Lot: No, I think I'll stay here.

Angel 1: Um..you are aware we're going to burn the whole place to the ground?

Lot: Oh, no.

Angel 2: Yea, dumbass, why do you think we're here? For the scenery?? so you comin?

Lot: Yea, yea, I'm coming..

(they start walking away from town, as the city begins to burn, Angel 2 turns to Lot)

Angel 2: Hey, by the way, I wouldn't suggest your wife turning around to look back. If she does, she will turn to a pillar of salt.

Lot's: Really? You serious?

Angel 2: Yup

Lot's: To Wife (ahead of him). HEY HON, DID YOU HEAR WHAT MR. ANGEL SAID? HON?? SHOOT, CAN YOU STOP FOR A SECOND AND LISTEN TO ME!

Lot's Wife: (stop, turns around) What do you want, you sonofabi....

Lot: Ooops...

Angel 1: Smooth move, exlax

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